I’ve read so many books about that one moment – the moment of truth, when destiny catches up to you, when it all makes sense. That’s what I do best – read books about things like that happening to other people. I never expected it to actually happen to me. I’m still not sure that it has happened, or that my life now makes sense.
Does it explain why I have always felt apart from my peers? Does my tranformation justify the feelings I had of solitary confinement in a crowd, or loneliness when with friends? Does that one moment actually clarify why I am who I am, or what my purpose is?
Why is it that a few English words strung together in an grammatically incorrect form, (if I’m being honest,) can so alter everything about me that my own mother would not recognize me? Why is it that a small pen held tightly in my hand bestows upon me powers that are in no way natural and yet are an essential part of my being? Does that make my whole life somehow explicable? Does it absolve the misery of my childhood, or the alienation I have lived with?
It was once said that philosophy is best left to the philosophers. But I can’t help wondering if this purpose I have somehow been given, if this is truly a greater destiny than myself, or if by giving it to me, it has somehow become greater? Am I even still myself when I am Sailor Mercury, or am I a role, a caricature?
No, that’s not true, I know that when I am Sailor Mercury, I am somehow more than myself, but still my true self. I know that my skills and talents are still mine, that my accomplishments are mine and my friends, they are mine too. Standing shoulder to shoulder with them, I do feel more alive, more real somehow.
Then I have answered my own questions, haven’t I? It *does* justify everything I experienced. If I had not become the person I am now, I would not be able to be the Sailor Senshi the others need me to be. And that means everything to me.
So when I hold up my transformation pen, and cry out the name of my guardian planet, it *is* a moment of truth. For at that moment, I become the person I truly am – Sailor Mercury, one of the Sailor Senshi and close friend and guardian of Sailor Moon. Destiny or fate it may be, but one I will bear with honor and pride. This is who I am.