1) Personal
“Thank you for your blog post of January 19th, it means a lot to me that you remembered to post today. I had something to share with you, even thought it is irrelevant to your post, but because I know that your every post is meant to be read (and, thus, commented on) by me, here are my thoughts of today.”
2) Editorial
“I note that in your post of 3 years, 5 months and 46 days ago, you made an incorrect statement. Although it is obvious that you could not have foreseen the turns and twists of the plot that had not yet been revealed, I am under no such limitation and being able to look back at the story from a position well into the future, can express with complete confidence that you were wrong about what happened.”
3) Conversational
“I met you once, but didn’t have time to stick around and ask you the 37 questions I had at the time, so I’ll begin asking them now.”
4) Therapeutic
“Reading this post made me feel feelings. Because you wrote the post, you must therefore wish to know about those feelings. Relax and I will tell you at length about the feelings, their genesis in my youth, how the work you are critiquing affected me and how your words about the work make me feel.”
5) Antagonistic
“Although you clearly state that everything you write is ‘subjective,’ I understand the propogandist subtext of that which is to say every word you have written with which I disagree is a demand for me to think and behave the same as you or suffer consequences. Your words, which you so carefully label as a “review” and “your own opinion” might as well be behavioral conditioning to which I am being subjected. HOW DARE YOU attempt to indoctrinate readers.”
6) Spam
“Buy Michael KORS, Rayban, UGGs. Porn, girls. XXX, apps.”
7) Confused
“I am commenting on this random comment three layers into a conversation, years later to make you aware of a disagreement that I think you very rude for having had, even though had I bothered to look, you issued a revised opinion when you later revisited the series. Additionally please find my statement meant for something specific sent to this general comment, rather than to the email which you provided.”
8) Clairvoyant
“Since you have not yet reviewed or mentioned this, I will assume you know about it and are merely ignoring it due to some kind of adverse thoughts about it. I will therefore feel obliged to lecture you on why you should not ignore it, even though you probably have just never heard of it yet.”
9) Informative
“As a regular reader, I am well aware of the source material you use for your writing, especially as you very kindly cite and link to materials so other people can use them. I therefore would like to note that one of your regularly visited sources has a new item prominently displayed in a way that you would be hard pressed to miss. Just in case you hadn’t seen it.”
10) Relevant
E. Friedman
Attribution 4.0 International (CC BY 4.0)