By Erica Friedman and Stirling Twilight
A fine, bright day dawns at Ohtori Academy. The suns shines upon the students as they attend classes, meet for lunch and generally live adolescent lives. High up in the tower, the Student Council begins their meeting…
AUTHORS (in a voice over stage whisper): We’ve secretly replaced the student council with the Inner Senshi. Let’s listen in…
/The camera pans in to find the Student Council, or most of it, lounging on a variety of uncomfortable wire chairs. Makoto is dressed in Saionji’s green Duelist’s uniform. She reaches up to the back of her head and is surprised to find her ponytail intact. Ami is clearly Miki, like there’s any significant difference, a fact she notes instantly. Rei and Minako are nowhere to be seen. Haruka sits reading a book, in Juri’s uniform, somewhat apart from the others. Usagi is clearly enjoying her new costume – she is dressed as Utena./
MAKOTO (in some confusion): What’s with the funky uniforms?
USAGI (admiring herself): I don’t know, but it’s kinda cute. /throws pigtails
over her shoulders/ Of course, I’m always cute.
/Minako walks in, tugging at the cowbell on her neck, dressed in Nanami’s yellow uniform/
MAKOTO: Who are you? Nellie Olsen?
MIKI…err, AMI: /hits the stopwatch. Click/
AMI (dryly): Oh, the irony.
USAGI: Are we waiting for someone?
***
/Panning along the corridor at Ohtori – you know, *the* corridor, towards the Rose Garden, then into the garden. A figure in pale green Bermuda shorts stands in front of the roses, humming. A black cat with an earring sits by his side. The cat is pressing one paw against her forehead./
MAMORU (dressed in, well, pretty much dressed in the girl’s uniform, but with shorts, and glasses that hide his eyes): Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm…I love roses, don’t you ChuChu?
/Mamoru turns to the cat who grimaces. /
MAMORU: Would you like some curry? I can make you some.
LUNA: I will NOT say “chu.”
She turns away from Mamoru, mumbling about a migraine.
***
/Rei enters wearing Touga’s red uniform. The top button remains undone and she is speaking into a cell phone/
REI: Uh huh, of course I miss you, absolutely…yes, I love you…
/The rest wait until she is done with her call. She closes the phone, then seeing Usagi, checks her out pretty thoroughly, nodding at the effect/
REI: So, old business, new business, are we all done here? I have a date.
/Usagi is distracted by a red balloon that floats by/
AMI (paging through some notes): Something about parking on the dueling ground?
Pause…
They all look at each other meaningfully…
Longer pause….
MAKOTO (quizzically): Parking good, or parking bad?
MINAKO (slowly, as if unsure): Usually, in cases like this, “no” is safest. /tugs at cowbell/
/Usagi watches several balloons float by./
REI: So, we’re all agreed. No parking on the dueling ground.
ALL (except Usagi): /nod/ No parking on the dueling ground.
MIKI, erm, AMI: /click/
/Usagi watches a flock of balloons take off and wing their way towards the ocean, completely oblivious of the mismatched metaphor/
***
/Luna has returned, dragging a sack of star candies…she begins eating them compulsively. Mamoru hums as he waters the roses. He snips a few, places them in a vase, then pulls one out. Still humming he carefully begins to whittle the end of the stem into a sharp point./
***
Meanwhile, back at the Council:
/Haruka pauses in reading her book, closes it, checks the title and begins to finger a locket in the shape of Neptune’s Talisman that hangs from a chain around her neck./
HARUKA : So, what’s my role here again?
AUTHORS: You’re the gorgeous lesbian with a major psychological flaw.
/Haruka snaps open the locket, sees that it contains a picture of Michiru, smiles a little self-satisfied smirk and snaps it closed./
HARUKA: Oh, ok. I can do that.
She turns back to her book.
/Rei’s phone rings. A second button is undone on her jacket. She begins another conversation, then ends it abrubtly./
REI: So, if we’re done here…
AMI: Next up, something about insecticide…
/All stare at her and shrug, as she looks up/
…then last up, an item about a cat in a box.
/They all turn to stare at Minako/
MINAKO: Why are you all looking at me?
MAKOTO: Where’s Artemis?
/Rei’s phone rings, she takes the call/
/Silence falls over the group, except for the sound of Rei murmuring gently into the phone. A third button has been undone on her jacket./
USAGI: Hello? I’m the hero here…can we talk about me? Look I’m a Prince!
Silence.
AUTHORS (desperate for a gag): Minako, snap your fingers.
MINAKO: Huh? /tugging at the the cowbell/
AUTHORS: Just snap your fingers.
/Minako snaps her fingers…instantly Umino pops up, dressed as Tsuwabuki./
USAGI: Melvin!
ALL (except Usagi): Umino.
USAGI: Umino!
HARUKA: What the hell is he doing here?
Silence.
HARUKA: Are we going to fight or what?
***
/On the dueling ground. Haruka and Usagi face each other. Usagi is wearing Utena’s dueling costume. Mamoru stands, his eyes obscured by
glasses, in Anthy’s Rose Bride dress. He is fascinated by the cuffs, which float around his wrists, seemingly unattached to the rest of the dress./
/Usagi pulls at her sleeves, first one then the other/
USAGI: Nothing up my sleeves, nothing in my hat…I am without tricks and deceptions.
AUTHORS (as an aside): Random Saint Tail comment, don’t let it worry you, move along…
/Exceptionally strange music begins, causing Haruka’s eyebrows to rise. All of them look around, wondering at the meaninglessness of the words./
MUSIC:
Arising darkness.
Floating embryos.
They are winging through the rain.
Worrisome… They make a lot of noise.
Oh! To be Awake! Octagonal!
To float on soft wings falling up,
rose-petals flapping on our backs.
We are demi-gods, useless, powerful,
spinning slowly in a perfect Olympus.
But we are apocalyptic, universal, revolutionary-
and our clutch is evolution-engaged!
/Usagi pulls a sword from Mamoru’s chest and flourishes it, pretty impressed at herself, considering the size discrepancy. She looks across at Haruka who smirks and pulls her Space Sword Blaster from hammerspace./
***
From a randomly placed wall, the rest of the Council ponder over the complexities of opera glasses..only Ami is watching…
***
MUSIC:
Phosphate! Mononitrate!
Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil!
Descending formica.
Sinking castles.
They are winging through the rain.
Worrisome… They make a lot of noise.
Where are our orbits in the bright dim wonder
of apocalyptic individuation?
Can she find them?
And the revolving walnut of the impossible?
USAGI: Ok guys…about now a Deus ex machina will happen…right? I’m the hero, I have to win, and she’s about to cut me to pieces me here…
/From above Dios, erm, Helios, plummets towards the dueling ground, spike first./
MUSIC:
Uranus Moons Venus Jupiter Saturn.
Earth is postnasal,
and ensconced in pearl.
She is turning the tables on the elements entranced,
as we search our spines for the pterdactyrous trilobite.
Worrisome… They make a lot of noise.
/Helios spears the flower from Haruka’s breast pocket, and impales himself in the dueling ground surface, directly next to a parked car./
/Haruka falls to the ground and a peal of bells ring out./
MUSIC (now drowned out by the bells):
Who…
Who pulled the tablecloth off the table?
Oh! To be Awake!
Octagonal!
Hydroelectric!
/Immediately next to the bells the rest of the Council is deafened and stumble about, clutching at their ears./
UMINO (hanging onto Minako): The bells! The bells!
MUSIC: Am-O-Nite!
/The bells stop, we pan away from the Academy, oblivious of the cries of the Senshi who ask frantically to be let out of this ridiculous story. The image fades, the story ends…/
REI: Are we done here? I’ve got a date…
The END?
Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon © Takeuchi Naoko, Bandai Visual, Kodansha, etc.
Shoujo Kakumei Utena, © Ikuhara Kunihiko, Be-PAPAS, Shogakukan, etc.
Original situations and characters, E. Friedman & Stirling Twilight. The “Music” was written by Revolutionary Boy Ed.